A Year of Silence

iloveweasleys asked: uhm, hi! I hope this is not creepy. I just saw your entry about the GSA in the Calvin College tag and I'm.. I can't even believe this is really happening. I was a Calvin student a couple of years ago, so I am more than surprised but happy that things are apparently changing. I know that some of my friends would have needed this back then. I'm actually moved. I would love to know how it's going, but you don't have to reply to this at all, of course. All the best!
~Anne

Not creepy at all! So good to hear from a fellow Calvinite :) My boyfriend and I are attending SAGA (Sexuality Awareness, Gender Acceptance) weekly together, which is our “GSA” (Calvin doesn’t officially call it that, but let’s be honest…). We are among several out and proud students. Also, Calvin has been hosting an LGBT panel where students have shared their stories and we’ve been hosting educational activities about what it’s like to be a member of the LGBT community and what one can do to be an ally in the dorms. Things have changed so much since I started at Calvin two years ago. SAGA was I guess only about 4 or 5 students before…now we fill the entire classroom (on a good week about 25 students I think) and I think we’ll continue growing. Calvin is so much more open than I thought possible :)

comingouttothechurch asked: so isnt, then, the patience tormenting? or your giving up on the church? doesnt that conflict with the goal i stated?

Nope, I haven’t given up on the church. I feel more like its important to reach the churches that are actually getting somewhere though and helping them grow before tackling places like Westboro Baptist. And yes, the patience is rough….

comingouttothechurch asked: I think that's a crucial bit, then, too. i have not (and i like to believe that i refuse) to give up on the church and on my christian friends. i think it's too crucial that we remain hopeful for the church, so that we end the hatred, the misinformation, all of it. none of it has any place in the church. it has destroyed families. it has murdered countless people. it has led to lives of shame and secrecy. i think it's almost our burden to be a part of righting the wrong.

Couldn’t agree more.

comingouttothechurch asked: i think there are two possibilities: 1) you are more patient than i am. and 2) you have much more faith in other people's willingness to learn/grow/modify beliefs, and similarly, more faith that those same people will broach the topic to you when they have questions or want to talk to you about what they're learning or conclusions they're coming to.

Lol, maybe I got lucky. My parents will take a long time, but I’m also independent enough that it doesn’t really matter. I think I’ve been coming to terms with an inability to reach the conservative church, so my focus right now is a little more on the moderate church (CRC, for example)

comingouttothechurch asked: hey! thanks for sharing about you coming out to your family. congratulations!! it seems like you and i ideologically differ a whole lot about coming out. i'd love to hear about why you did come out the way you came out, & how you feel about the way you've done so. if you're not sure entirely what i mean yet, it may help you to check out my main posts about coming out. this idea is one of my primary interests, so i'd love to hear your perspective if you'd like to share it. what do you say?

I don’t know that we do. It’s just that the language around “coming out” is so different from what you and I may think that when I tell my story I naturally take that sort of approach.

When it came to telling my friends, it was very much on an individual to individual basis, starting with those who already knew a lot about homosexuality or had no issues with it. Others I’ve told and simply accepted that we will not agree, but since I had assumed they were so homophobic I would be shunned completely, I simply let us agree to disagree. For others, it’s an ongoing conversation in which we are constantly learning from each other.

I think it’s important to understand that I have been “out” to everyone but my family for quite a while. My family, home church, etc. have all been pretty distant for the last few years, mostly from moving away for college, studying abroad for a year and simply being apart for so much time. So, I didn’t/don’t think that my home church really needs to hear about my being gay from me, at least not while I am not there. But for my parents, I am mostly relying on God. I talked a lot to my Dad, concerning my faith and I expressed that God had given me peace about my sexuality and was allowing me to grow in Him with another guy. Knowing that I have a long time worth of conversations with my parents in the future, I told my Dad, “Pray all you want, the same God will give us the same answer.”

So, bottom line: Grace for the present, faith for the future. 
I’ve promised to be open with them about my feelings and I hope they are being open with me about theirs. Conversations about homosexuality and Christianity will come, and it will be just as much a journey for them as it was for me. I explained that to my Dad as well. For now honesty and grace is what we need most, and God has blessed us thus far. 

So, I recently came out to my parents. Well, my Dad really (he told Mom for me). 

And, it went better than expected, so I thought some people might want to know the story.

It started a few weeks ago, when my school held a panel with LGBT Christian individuals who were sharing their stories of being LGBT and Christian and students at our college. I’ve recently been much more actively involved in awareness and acceptance issues since coming back form abroad, so I felt really connected to this sort of event. When they each told stories of how they came out to their conservative families, I felt a real peace that I could do it too.

I started with my sister. I sent her a picture of me with my LGBT+ Campus Workshop shirt and said, “Let’s talk soon, k?” We talked a couple days later on the phone and I told her I’m gay, I have someone special to me and that I am scared to tell Mom and Dad. She did little to alleviate fears, but at least she made me feel welcome with her and loved. 

The freedom coming from just telling one person was so intense that I just had to keep it going, so I left a voicemail at my Dad’s work telling him I wanted him to call sometime he was alone and we could talk. When we got the chance, I told him I couldn’t be with girls, but I had an alternative. I told him I’m gay and he responded with, “This must take incredible courage to tell me this.” I told him I was happy and content to be me and that I had peace from God. He couldn’t echo my sentiments, but he reaffirmed my independence and even seemed open to meeting my special man. I told him that Mom was my biggest fear and he said he would tell her for me (“She’s kind of been expecting this for a long time anyway”)

So he told her and she called me a couple days later, sort of teary. I told her I’m sorry that this is how it is and she said she was sorry too. That was it. I’m not sure when we will ever talk normally, but I know she’ll come around. I told them all to pray as much as they want, because the same God is gonna give us the same answer and we’ll all be at a better place.

So, here’s to hoping that one day I can bring my boyfriend home for Christmas and we can all enjoy each other’s company as family. For now, I at least know that it really does get better.

The closet of course, needs some airing out and there is a lot of future discussion that’s sure to take place, but even my Mom who told me that AIDS is God’s punishment for homosexuality and that my orientation is a choice still loves me, and I am certain she’ll come to accept me and whoever I may be with someday too. 

You should follow my first blog, The Wonderful Wizard of Waaz where I will be incorporate the open door of my closet to the rest of my life!

I have a good Dad.

comingouttothechurch asked: hey congrats! if you need anything, let me know. :)

Thanks!! Will do…the ‘rents are probably gonna hear pretty soon themselves.

Today I told my sister.

It feels great, even if she can’t fully support me. The hard thing is knowing that she has no idea what to tell my parents either.

Pro of this: I know that I’m not alone in thinking my parents are crazy. Con: I’m still lost with what do to with them.

But, I can’t keep living without them knowing and I’m ready to face it. Maybe this year won’t be so silent after all.